County Lines by Bob
A Brief Trip From A To Z
Alone - No one around except you. State of being that occurs after
you eat beans, pickled eggs and sauerkraut, unless you're in a vehicle
that's moving too fast for everyone else to jump out.
Bark - Skin of tree or sound made by dog. The bark of my old friend
Poochie wasn't worse than his bite. He bit the garbage man, the
mailman, the milk man, the refrigerator repairman, the plumber and
four Jehovah Witnesses. After a hard day in third grade, I couldn't
find Poochie anywhere. I asked Mom if she knew where he was. She
claimed Dad had taken him to live on a farm in the country. "Yeah,
right," I said, "and Howdy Doody's head isn't made of
Cat - No report of a cat being eaten by an alligator exists in
recorded history. Some humans, however, do eat cats. I've never
eaten cat. But my brother Eric says the taste is similar to monkey
Dog - My old friend Poochie. Although 35 years have passed since
we were separated, I haven't given up hope that he'll return home.
I know he'd be almost 250 in dog years. But in a world where Antonio
Banderas is considered a good actor and Sandra Bullock is believed
to be beautiful, anything is possible.
Eric - My youngest brother. Gets mad when I call golf a silly game
played by yuppie losers. Doesn't like my idea of turning country
clubs into homeless shelters and golf courses into farms to feed
the hungry. Enjoys kicking me while my uncle and my other brother
hold me down.
Frank Zappa - Rock musician genius who wrote, "We are the
other people. We are the other people. You are the other people
too." Died of prostate cancer at age 50, a reminder to get
that thing checked. No one said it was supposed to be fun.
Golf - Derived from the Latin word golfa, which means silly game
played by plebeian losers.
Hooker - Licensed professional who places bait on hooks. Worm hookers
earn more than regular hookers because worms wiggle a lot.
Itchy Manerelli - Former owner of Itchy's Eating Emporium. Doing
three to five in a federal pen for thickening his spaghetti sauce
with road kill. His flat possum ravioli wasn't bad.
Jimmy - My uncle. Drove his Falcon over a golf course after I said,
"You're chicken if you don't." Gave me five bucks not
to tell, which I haven't and never will. Enjoys kicking me while
my brothers hold me down.
Karma - Similar to dogma, except with wheels instead of legs.
Lester - My cousin Irene's 650-pound watch pig. Chases me up a
tree again and I'll boil him down to lard.
Marijuana - A member of the hemp family. Also known as weed, mary
jane, tea, pot, cannabis, grass, dope and granny one-eye. When smoked
by laboratory animals, the chimpanzees started digging Van Halen
and the mice started wearing sunglasses. Humans who use it say "Huh?"
Nasal - Breathing passage that needs unclogging at times. Why is
that stuff called a "booger" and why shouldn't I flick
it on you? Ownership - Temporary situation that ends with death.
Pinchy - My Soul Mate. We always find each other during each life.
Nicknamed "Pinchy" by my father because she can squeeze
a dollar out of a dime. Pinchy used to have 28 cats until my brother
Eric came to visit. She had 26 when he left. I guess he couldn't
eat just one.
Qwizzen - Type of spring in pen that clicks.
Ricky - My oldest younger brother. When he was little, Ricky didn't
like me singing, "On top of Ol' Smoky, all covered with snow,
I saw Ricky kissing Marilyn Monroe." He still doesn't, especially
when we're together in public. Enjoys kicking me while my uncle
and other brother hold me down.
Sweden - Where most of my relatives on my father's side live. Contrary
to popular belief, a whack upside the head with a two by four isn't
how to get a Swede's attention. Someone tried that with my cousin
Guntar and it only broke the two by four.
Transvestite - A city in Romania where Dracula resides.
Underground - Where Mole People live in peace and harmony without
religion, war, Jerry Springer, Martha Stewart or root rot.
Voodoo - Practitioners of this black magic religion can change
a corpse into a zombie. Although I understand why some would believe
so, Mick Jagger isn't the result of voodoo practices. Rosie O'Donnell
Wascally - Hard to catch. Before he retired, Elmer Fudd used it
a lot as in, "You wascally wabbit.Ó
X-Ray - Type of fabric-penetrating eyeglasses that sells poorly
at nudist colonies. Yumpin Yiminey! - What my Swedish grandfather
yelled when I ran over his foot with a tractor.
Zero - Chance of seeing me at a Barbra Streisand movie.
Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570