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Archives 12-12-2001

North County Lines by Bob

bobncl@hotmail.com

 

A Brief Trip From A To Z

Alone - No one around except you. State of being that occurs after you eat beans, pickled eggs and sauerkraut, unless you're in a vehicle that's moving too fast for everyone else to jump out.

Bark - Skin of tree or sound made by dog. The bark of my old friend Poochie wasn't worse than his bite. He bit the garbage man, the mailman, the milk man, the refrigerator repairman, the plumber and four Jehovah Witnesses. After a hard day in third grade, I couldn't find Poochie anywhere. I asked Mom if she knew where he was. She claimed Dad had taken him to live on a farm in the country. "Yeah, right," I said, "and Howdy Doody's head isn't made of wood."

Cat - No report of a cat being eaten by an alligator exists in recorded history. Some humans, however, do eat cats. I've never eaten cat. But my brother Eric says the taste is similar to monkey when barbecued.

Dog - My old friend Poochie. Although 35 years have passed since we were separated, I haven't given up hope that he'll return home. I know he'd be almost 250 in dog years. But in a world where Antonio Banderas is considered a good actor and Sandra Bullock is believed to be beautiful, anything is possible.

Eric - My youngest brother. Gets mad when I call golf a silly game played by yuppie losers. Doesn't like my idea of turning country clubs into homeless shelters and golf courses into farms to feed the hungry. Enjoys kicking me while my uncle and my other brother hold me down.

Frank Zappa - Rock musician genius who wrote, "We are the other people. We are the other people. You are the other people too." Died of prostate cancer at age 50, a reminder to get that thing checked. No one said it was supposed to be fun.

Golf - Derived from the Latin word golfa, which means silly game played by plebeian losers.

Hooker - Licensed professional who places bait on hooks. Worm hookers earn more than regular hookers because worms wiggle a lot.

Itchy Manerelli - Former owner of Itchy's Eating Emporium. Doing three to five in a federal pen for thickening his spaghetti sauce with road kill. His flat possum ravioli wasn't bad.

Jimmy - My uncle. Drove his Falcon over a golf course after I said, "You're chicken if you don't." Gave me five bucks not to tell, which I haven't and never will. Enjoys kicking me while my brothers hold me down.

Karma - Similar to dogma, except with wheels instead of legs.

Lester - My cousin Irene's 650-pound watch pig. Chases me up a tree again and I'll boil him down to lard.

Marijuana - A member of the hemp family. Also known as weed, mary jane, tea, pot, cannabis, grass, dope and granny one-eye. When smoked by laboratory animals, the chimpanzees started digging Van Halen and the mice started wearing sunglasses. Humans who use it say "Huh?" a lot.

Nasal - Breathing passage that needs unclogging at times. Why is that stuff called a "booger" and why shouldn't I flick it on you? Ownership - Temporary situation that ends with death.

Pinchy - My Soul Mate. We always find each other during each life. Nicknamed "Pinchy" by my father because she can squeeze a dollar out of a dime. Pinchy used to have 28 cats until my brother Eric came to visit. She had 26 when he left. I guess he couldn't eat just one.

Qwizzen - Type of spring in pen that clicks.

Ricky - My oldest younger brother. When he was little, Ricky didn't like me singing, "On top of Ol' Smoky, all covered with snow, I saw Ricky kissing Marilyn Monroe." He still doesn't, especially when we're together in public. Enjoys kicking me while my uncle and other brother hold me down.

Sweden - Where most of my relatives on my father's side live. Contrary to popular belief, a whack upside the head with a two by four isn't how to get a Swede's attention. Someone tried that with my cousin Guntar and it only broke the two by four.

Transvestite - A city in Romania where Dracula resides.

Underground - Where Mole People live in peace and harmony without religion, war, Jerry Springer, Martha Stewart or root rot.

Voodoo - Practitioners of this black magic religion can change a corpse into a zombie. Although I understand why some would believe so, Mick Jagger isn't the result of voodoo practices. Rosie O'Donnell is.

Wascally - Hard to catch. Before he retired, Elmer Fudd used it a lot as in, "You wascally wabbit.

X-Ray - Type of fabric-penetrating eyeglasses that sells poorly at nudist colonies. Yumpin Yiminey! - What my Swedish grandfather yelled when I ran over his foot with a tractor.

Zero - Chance of seeing me at a Barbra Streisand movie.

 

 

Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570
tel 931.823.6485
fax 931.823.6486
ocnews@usit.net

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