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Archives 07-25-2001

North County Lines by Bob

An Award Winning Column

For comments or questions contact Bob at bobncl@hotmail.com

 

 

 

Because of the recent rash of shark attacks in Dale Hollow Lake, swimmers are being advised not to go in the water unless armed with a spear gun.

An expert in those kind of things recommends using one with no less than 80 pounds of pull per square inch.

Those who don't know how to calculate pull in relation to pounds per square inch are advised to visit any aquatic store bordering Dale Hollow Lake, where the necessary calibrations will be performed free.

I recommend going to Friendly Farley's Fish Camp because I knew Farley before he became friendly and he wasn't that hard to get along with even back then.

Plus he gives a 15% discount on out-of-date edible items, except minnows and worms. Tell him Bob sent you and he'll give you a swig of muscatel he keeps hidden behind the counter for such occasions. Please, no back wash.

Arkley Palmsnot, a retired typist from Mountclair, Idaho, was a near victim of a shark attack, after renting a canoe at Friendly Farley's.

Arkley said, "I was paddling at approximately 20 miles an hour, when I saw the fin of what had to be at least a 12 footer charging toward me. I figured its plan was to capsize the canoe and eat me like a Big Mac. When it got close enough, I whacked it in the nose with the paddle."

Editorial Note: What Arkley described next is rated R due to graphic violence. If you are 17 or younger, please bypass the upcoming paragraph.

"It turned and sped off," Arkley continued, "toward a skier who had lost his balance. The screaming and the flopping about that followed was so horrible I could hardly hold my video camera still. When it was over, all that remained of the skier was a pair of blood-drenched trunks and a tattoo that read MOM or WOW depending on how you looked at it."

During an interview by Nashville TV news celebrities three days after the incident, Arkley asked that his last name be pronounced Palms-not, not Palm-snot. Yeah, right, like television news announcers could comprehend the difference.

Stinkley Stoodle, an attorney from Dispang, Indiana, also experienced a near encounter with a Dale Hollow Lake shark while snorkeling outside a roped off swimming area.

Stinkley's wife was standing on shore when she saw a fin sailing in her husband's direction. Pointing toward Stinkley, she yelled, "Help! Help!"

Hearing the screams, a park ranger rushed to his truck, pulled out a .357, grabbed a raft, and started paddling toward Stinkley.

Stinkley's wife yelled, "Help him please! He's a lawyer!" The park ranger turned the raft around and paddled back to shore.

"Why didn't you help him?" Stinkley's wife sobbed.

The ranger replied, "Sharks don't attack their own kind."

The shark continued on its path until recognizing Stinkley. Then it veered and swam away.

Dale Hollow Lake sharks haven't been feasting on human flesh only. They've been cruising the waters around docked houseboats, looking for pets, like JoJo, the beloved Brazilian parrot of Finelda Fuddleswipe.

"One second, JoJo was looking down at his reflection," Finelda said. "Then, whoosh, he was gone, gobbled up by one of those awful monsters. Those vicious beasts must be stopped. Would you like a vodka martini? It's the only thing that drowns the pain."

During an interview, Pimpy Blabberfink, Director of Dale Hollow Lake safety, denied that a problem exists, claiming sharks only live in salt water.

When a reporter pointed out that fresh water sharks exceeding 20 feet in length inhabit the Amazon River, Pimpy replied, "No comment."

I asked ZigZag Greckle, an old hippie living on an island in Dale Hollow Lake, if he had ever encountered a shark on his Huckleberry Finn adventures up and down the lake.

"Wow, man," ZigZag said, "dig those groovy colors." The hemp harvest must have occurred early this year.

Since Memorial Day, an estimated 500 tourists and more than 200 local residents have vanished in the Dale Hollow Lake area.

All those disappearances can't be blamed on Dale Hollow Lake sharks. Some can be attributed to the Dale Hollow Lake Monster, a reptilian-like creature measuring more than 80 feet in length and width and weighing an estimated 25 tons.

In 1957 space aliens deposited the monster as a spore in Dale Hollow Lake. I've been tracking it in a one-man nuclear submarine for the last 10 years.

I've photographed it hundreds of times. But due to the fear of possibly reducing the tourist trade in this area, I am prohibited by a court order from publishing photographs of the monster.

While I haven't figured out how to bring down the Dale Hollow Lake Monster yet, I have developed a way to reduce the shark population in Dale Hollow Lake.

After wrapping a hand grenade with a T-bone steak, I chum the water with guts collected from slaughter houses.

When a shark surfaces, I pull the pin and toss in the loaded T-bone. The shark gulps it down. Boom! No more shark.

If you want, you can help eliminate the sharks in Dale Hollow Lake.

Since obtaining live hand grenades can be difficult without the right contacts, I've placed several crates of them behind the front counter at the Overton County News office.

Feel free to come in and get some whenever you want. The password is periwinkle. Remember: Periwinkle.

And don't forget, pull the pin and toss the T-bone concealed hand grenade. If you do it the other way around, you'll be all over the place.

 

 

 

 

Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570
tel 931.823.6485
fax 931.823.6486
ocnews@usit.net

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