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Archives 04-04-2001

North County Lines by Bob

An Award Winning Column

For comments or questions contact Bob at bobncl@hotmail.com

 

Although humans drive and talk on the phone, often at the same time, we are animals, just like possums and rats.

We aren't above those creatures. They're our brothers and our sisters. Who doesn't have a pet that looks like a family member? I know I do.

Right down to her thick, hairy neck and pointed ears, Woolly looks enough like Aunt Maude to be Aunt Maude.

When Aunt Maude visits, I frequently get mixed up and toss her Woolly's rawhide bone, which she enjoys chewing in the corner, until Woolly tries to wrestle it away.

Sometimes they'll roll on the floor, tugging and growling for hours. Sometimes Aunt Maude wins. Sometimes Woolly does. Sometimes they both give up and lie on their backs with their feet sticking straight up.

Once I got confused and sicked Aunt Maude on two Jehovah Witnesses who woke me up by knocking on the door at eleven in the morning. With her teeth in, Aunt Maude's a real go getter.

Neither of the two ever knocked on my door again. But the tall one left a note on the windshield of my truck asking me to meet her in a secluded spot later.

I should never answer the door in my Spider-Man pajamas. Seeing me like that, drives women crazy. They just can't help themselves, which is understandable.

Not wanting to be the plaything of another love-starved woman, I didn't show up. I hope she's not still waiting for me. But if she is, I can't blame her.

Above all things, humility is my greatest asset. I don't know anyone who's more humble than I am, especially my Uncle Bill, a lawyer who looks like a shark.

When Uncle Bill was starting out as a lawyer, he worked on commission for a loan company. The company lent money to people with homes to consolidate their bills in a single low monthly payment for the rest of their lives and beyond.

Despite what you see on television, loan companies don't lend money because they love you and your family. A $10,000 loan can cost $80,000. Miss several payments and a home that once belonged to a family becomes the property of the loan company.

They're in it for an easy buck. You work all your life for something and a loan company will take it away in a heartbeat. Read the fine print. Read the fine print.

Even the most ruthless attorneys look down on lawyers who work for finance companies. Sort of like the crocodile making fun of the snake for not having feet.

While representing the loan company, Uncle Bill sued a blind woman for possession of her home and won. He tried to get her wheelchair too. But the judge wouldn't go that far.

After the hearing, he walked over to the woman and said, "Get over it, Grandma. I was only doing my job."

Some say the ghost of Uncle Bill's grandmother, my great grandmother, haunts his dreams, until he wakes in a cold sweat, screaming. I hope so.

When my brother Eric passed his bar exam, I told him if he sued either of our grandmothers I'd come out slugging and ask questions later. He never did and I'm proud of him for that.

He did threaten to sue me for blowing his BMW over Mom's house with a homemade bomb. I didn't do it, though. My brother Ricky did.

I showed Ricky how to make the bomb, which was the equivalent of eight kegs of TNT, with a few simple kitchen products and a clothes pin. But I better not get into that in case some secret government agency is monitoring this column.

I didn't notice my third wife Noralee looked like a monkey until sobering up after we were married for almost five years. What a shocker, coming out of a thick tequila fog and seeing that. Bummer, man. Bummer.

Talk about being blind drunk. When I met Noralee, I used my best pick-up line: "Hey, baby, if beauty was garbage, your trash can would be full." Tell a woman that and she can't resist.

I should have suspected something was up. Every time we went to a party someone offered Noralee a banana daiquiri and she took it. She rooted for the chimps in all the Planet of the Apes movies. She had every Monkees album, even the ones without Mike Nesmith. At the zoo, gorillas threw peanuts to her.

Not knowing what to do, I started remodeling our house to take my mind off of Noralee's appearance. When I finished, she divorced me, sold the house, and married Irving, a bank teller with thick glasses. Some things work out if you do nothing about them for long enough.

When I was younger, I looked like a jaguar, a sleek mountain cat, ready to pounce without hesitation.

Now I'm a bear, growling my way through the day, hibernating when given a chance, chasing away door-to-door charlatans when Woolly and Aunt Maude aren't around. I like being a bear.

We're all animals. If you don't believe it, the next time you step out of the shower, look at yourself in a full-length mirror. That's the real you, the animal you.

Embrace your animal self. Become one with the wild kingdom. Instead of watching the animals in your yard, the dogs, the cats, the birds, strip off your clothes and join them.

You'll enjoy yourself and so will your neighbors, until the cops arrive.

 

 

 

 

Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570
tel 931.823.6485
fax 931.823.6486
ocnews@usit.net

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