County Lines by Bob
Although humans drive and talk on the phone, often at the same
time, we are animals, just like possums and rats.
We aren't above those creatures. They're our brothers and our sisters.
Who doesn't have a pet that looks like a family member? I know I
Right down to her thick, hairy neck and pointed ears, Woolly looks
enough like Aunt Maude to be Aunt Maude.
When Aunt Maude visits, I frequently get mixed up and toss her
Woolly's rawhide bone, which she enjoys chewing in the corner, until
Woolly tries to wrestle it away.
Sometimes they'll roll on the floor, tugging and growling for hours.
Sometimes Aunt Maude wins. Sometimes Woolly does. Sometimes they
both give up and lie on their backs with their feet sticking straight
Once I got confused and sicked Aunt Maude on two Jehovah Witnesses
who woke me up by knocking on the door at eleven in the morning.
With her teeth in, Aunt Maude's a real go getter.
Neither of the two ever knocked on my door again. But the tall
one left a note on the windshield of my truck asking me to meet
her in a secluded spot later.
I should never answer the door in my Spider-Man pajamas. Seeing
me like that, drives women crazy. They just can't help themselves,
which is understandable.
Not wanting to be the plaything of another love-starved woman,
I didn't show up. I hope she's not still waiting for me. But if
she is, I can't blame her.
Above all things, humility is my greatest asset. I don't know anyone
who's more humble than I am, especially my Uncle Bill, a lawyer
who looks like a shark.
When Uncle Bill was starting out as a lawyer, he worked on commission
for a loan company. The company lent money to people with homes
to consolidate their bills in a single low monthly payment for the
rest of their lives and beyond.
Despite what you see on television, loan companies don't lend money
because they love you and your family. A $10,000 loan can cost $80,000.
Miss several payments and a home that once belonged to a family
becomes the property of the loan company.
They're in it for an easy buck. You work all your life for something
and a loan company will take it away in a heartbeat. Read the fine
print. Read the fine print.
Even the most ruthless attorneys look down on lawyers who work
for finance companies. Sort of like the crocodile making fun of
the snake for not having feet.
While representing the loan company, Uncle Bill sued a blind woman
for possession of her home and won. He tried to get her wheelchair
too. But the judge wouldn't go that far.
After the hearing, he walked over to the woman and said, "Get
over it, Grandma. I was only doing my job."
Some say the ghost of Uncle Bill's grandmother, my great grandmother,
haunts his dreams, until he wakes in a cold sweat, screaming. I
When my brother Eric passed his bar exam, I told him if he sued
either of our grandmothers I'd come out slugging and ask questions
later. He never did and I'm proud of him for that.
He did threaten to sue me for blowing his BMW over Mom's house
with a homemade bomb. I didn't do it, though. My brother Ricky did.
I showed Ricky how to make the bomb, which was the equivalent of
eight kegs of TNT, with a few simple kitchen products and a clothes
pin. But I better not get into that in case some secret government
agency is monitoring this column.
I didn't notice my third wife Noralee looked like a monkey until
sobering up after we were married for almost five years. What a
shocker, coming out of a thick tequila fog and seeing that. Bummer,
Talk about being blind drunk. When I met Noralee, I used my best
pick-up line: "Hey, baby, if beauty was garbage, your trash
can would be full." Tell a woman that and she can't resist.
I should have suspected something was up. Every time we went to
a party someone offered Noralee a banana daiquiri and she took it.
She rooted for the chimps in all the Planet of the Apes movies.
She had every Monkees album, even the ones without Mike Nesmith.
At the zoo, gorillas threw peanuts to her.
Not knowing what to do, I started remodeling our house to take
my mind off of Noralee's appearance. When I finished, she divorced
me, sold the house, and married Irving, a bank teller with thick
glasses. Some things work out if you do nothing about them for long
When I was younger, I looked like a jaguar, a sleek mountain cat,
ready to pounce without hesitation.
Now I'm a bear, growling my way through the day, hibernating when
given a chance, chasing away door-to-door charlatans when Woolly
and Aunt Maude aren't around. I like being a bear.
We're all animals. If you don't believe it, the next time you step
out of the shower, look at yourself in a full-length mirror. That's
the real you, the animal you.
Embrace your animal self. Become one with the wild kingdom. Instead
of watching the animals in your yard, the dogs, the cats, the birds,
strip off your clothes and join them.
You'll enjoy yourself and so will your neighbors, until the cops
Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570