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Archives 01-17-2001

North County Lines by Bob

An Award Winning Column

For comments or questions contact Bob at bobncl@hotmail.com

 

 

A Brief Trip Alphabetically

Aliens - Beings from another country or another planet. Aliens from Mexico sneak across the border to work in the United States. Aliens from Uranus don't.

Bathe - To remove dirt from skin and hair with soap and water. Something Uncle Leo does only on Saturdays in months with a w in them.

Cat - Tastes like monkey when barbecued according to my brother Ricky. Although I've never eaten cat, I have started my truck with several under the hood. After being treated for cuts, bruises, and a nervous tick, Elvis didn't sleep there with his girlfriends again.

Dog - Tastes like pig when barbecued according to my brother Ricky. Although I've never eaten dog, I share my bacon with Woolly in the morning. She likes toast too, but only if it's slathered with boysenberry jam. I don't blame her. I also adore boysenberry more than any ordinary berry.

Eric - My youngest younger brother. Plays golf and hangs out at the country club even though Ricky and I tried to teach him better manners than that. If I would have known Eric was going to become a lawyer, I would have insisted that Mom and Dad name him Bernie. Then I could have written, "My brother Bernie is a plastic attorney on a yuppie journey." But I didn't, so they didn't, so I can't.

Frog - Tastes like toad when barbecued according to my brother Ricky. Although I've never eaten toad, I did slice a frog open in a high school biology class. Fortunately for the frog, it had already croaked.

Guts - What I saw inside the frog.

Hell - Strapped to a chair and forced to stay awake during a Barbra Streisand film festival. An Antonio Banderas or a Sandra Bullock film festival fits in the same category. So does a Wynnona Judd concert.

India - Where Columbus thought he was when he stumbled across the so-called New World. He wasn't that far off, only 7,000 miles in the wrong direction. Of course his navigational skills weren't on the same level as the Vikings who knew west from east and where they were when they landed on the same continent 500 years before Columbus was born.

Jesus - Name of infielder on Cuba's Olympic baseball team. Who's on first? No, Who's on second. What's the name of the guy on first? No, What's on third. Jesus is on first.

Kumquat - Those who eat this small, sour citrus fruit appear to be whistling. As Shakespeare aptly put it in the fifth act of Hamlet, " Alas poor Yorick, I knew him well. He would rather eat a bowl of hot snot than a kumquat."

Liverwurst - Tastes like wolverine when barbecued according to my brother Ricky.

Moons - Non-manmade objects revolving around planets or what the refrigerator repairman does when he bends over to fix the compressor.

North - If you travel in this direction long enough, you'll reach the North Pole. At that point, every direction is south. To discover the reason for this phenomenon, a government committee spent 20 years and $50 billion investigating why north turns into south. According to a report issued by the committee, it has something to do with gravity.

Open - What a mind should be and a mouth shouldn't be for learning to occur.

Phat - Polite way to spell fat so people who are won't be offended. Boy are you phat. Thank you very much.

Qwlsprck - Russian word for monkey. Tastes like cat when barbecued according to my brother Ricky, which reminds me of a joke. Why did the qwlsprck fall out of a tree? I don't know, why? Because he was dead.

Ricky - My oldest younger brother. Won't eat just anything unless it's barbecued. Liked sleeping in first period study hall so much, he removed the clackers from all the school bells so he didn't have to wake up and change classes until they were replaced. If Mom reads this, all I can say is "Run for it, Ricky!"

Sex - Mixing with drugs is stupid and reduces the beneficial effects. But adding rock and roll won't decrease the pleasurable enhancements if it's something soft and romantic like Highway To Hell by AC-DC.

Television - An audio-visual display mechanism that's difficult to watch more than 100 channels on at once, unless you can punch the remote as quickly as I do. Like one of my ex-wives used to say, "Stop that. You're driving me crazy." To which I'd reply, "Not a long trip."

Underground - Where my good friend Zertasis, King of the Mole People, rules over his kind. Whenever I need worms to go fishing, I tell Zertasis and his people dig me down some.\

Vertically - How bodies should be buried to save space.

Wise Blood - If you haven't read this account of a Southern preacher's antics written by Flannery O'Connor, you haven't read one of the best books of the Twentieth Century.

Xenophobia - An unreasonable fear of those who are different that manifests itself in displays of ignorance and hatred. Many critics of the Harry Potter books suffer from this form of insanity.

Yin-Yang - Opposite but equal forces that keep the universe in motion.

Zero - What you take when you leave this world.

 

Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570
tel 931.823.6485
fax 931.823.6486
ocnews@usit.net

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