County Lines by Bob
A Brief Trip Alphabetically
Aliens - Beings from another country or another planet. Aliens
from Mexico sneak across the border to work in the United States.
Aliens from Uranus don't.
Bathe - To remove dirt from skin and hair with soap and water.
Something Uncle Leo does only on Saturdays in months with a w in
Cat - Tastes like monkey when barbecued according to my brother
Ricky. Although I've never eaten cat, I have started my truck with
several under the hood. After being treated for cuts, bruises, and
a nervous tick, Elvis didn't sleep there with his girlfriends again.
Dog - Tastes like pig when barbecued according to my brother Ricky.
Although I've never eaten dog, I share my bacon with Woolly in the
morning. She likes toast too, but only if it's slathered with boysenberry
jam. I don't blame her. I also adore boysenberry more than any ordinary
Eric - My youngest younger brother. Plays golf and hangs out at
the country club even though Ricky and I tried to teach him better
manners than that. If I would have known Eric was going to become
a lawyer, I would have insisted that Mom and Dad name him Bernie.
Then I could have written, "My brother Bernie is a plastic
attorney on a yuppie journey." But I didn't, so they didn't,
so I can't.
Frog - Tastes like toad when barbecued according to my brother
Ricky. Although I've never eaten toad, I did slice a frog open in
a high school biology class. Fortunately for the frog, it had already
Guts - What I saw inside the frog.
Hell - Strapped to a chair and forced to stay awake during a Barbra
Streisand film festival. An Antonio Banderas or a Sandra Bullock
film festival fits in the same category. So does a Wynnona Judd
India - Where Columbus thought he was when he stumbled across the
so-called New World. He wasn't that far off, only 7,000 miles in
the wrong direction. Of course his navigational skills weren't on
the same level as the Vikings who knew west from east and where
they were when they landed on the same continent 500 years before
Columbus was born.
Jesus - Name of infielder on Cuba's Olympic baseball team. Who's
on first? No, Who's on second. What's the name of the guy on first?
No, What's on third. Jesus is on first.
Kumquat - Those who eat this small, sour citrus fruit appear to
be whistling. As Shakespeare aptly put it in the fifth act of Hamlet,
" Alas poor Yorick, I knew him well. He would rather eat a
bowl of hot snot than a kumquat."
Liverwurst - Tastes like wolverine when barbecued according to
my brother Ricky.
Moons - Non-manmade objects revolving around planets or what the
refrigerator repairman does when he bends over to fix the compressor.
North - If you travel in this direction long enough, you'll reach
the North Pole. At that point, every direction is south. To discover
the reason for this phenomenon, a government committee spent 20
years and $50 billion investigating why north turns into south.
According to a report issued by the committee, it has something
to do with gravity.
Open - What a mind should be and a mouth shouldn't be for learning
Phat - Polite way to spell fat so people who are won't be offended.
Boy are you phat. Thank you very much.
Qwlsprck - Russian word for monkey. Tastes like cat when barbecued
according to my brother Ricky, which reminds me of a joke. Why did
the qwlsprck fall out of a tree? I don't know, why? Because he was
Ricky - My oldest younger brother. Won't eat just anything unless
it's barbecued. Liked sleeping in first period study hall so much,
he removed the clackers from all the school bells so he didn't have
to wake up and change classes until they were replaced. If Mom reads
this, all I can say is "Run for it, Ricky!"
Sex - Mixing with drugs is stupid and reduces the beneficial effects.
But adding rock and roll won't decrease the pleasurable enhancements
if it's something soft and romantic like Highway To Hell by AC-DC.
Television - An audio-visual display mechanism that's difficult
to watch more than 100 channels on at once, unless you can punch
the remote as quickly as I do. Like one of my ex-wives used to say,
"Stop that. You're driving me crazy." To which I'd reply,
"Not a long trip."
Underground - Where my good friend Zertasis, King of the Mole People,
rules over his kind. Whenever I need worms to go fishing, I tell
Zertasis and his people dig me down some.\
Vertically - How bodies should be buried to save space.
Wise Blood - If you haven't read this account of a Southern preacher's
antics written by Flannery O'Connor, you haven't read one of the
best books of the Twentieth Century.
Xenophobia - An unreasonable fear of those who are different that
manifests itself in displays of ignorance and hatred. Many critics
of the Harry Potter books suffer from this form of insanity.
Yin-Yang - Opposite but equal forces that keep the universe in
Zero - What you take when you leave this world.
Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570