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Archives 01-03-2001

North County Lines by Bob

An Award Winning Column

For comments or questions contact Bob at bobncl@hotmail.com

 

Precise Predictions For The New Year

1. A famous person will die.

2. A hurricane will form in the Atlantic Ocean.

3. Another famous person will die.

4. The first horse to cross the finish line will win the Kentucky Derby.

5. A professional football team will win the Super Bowl.

6. A National League team and an American League team will compete in the World Series.

7. Elvis won't win the New York City Marathon.

8. Millions of John Lennon fans will celebrate the 61st anniversary of his birth.

9. While celebrating Yoko Ono's 137th birthday, her one fan will sing "Happy birthday to me."

10. Adam Sadler won't win an Academy Award. Neither will Antonio Banderas, Melanie Griffith, Sandra Bullock, the drunk guy who hangs around the hospital, nor my 10th-grade English teacher Miss Moley, who taught me to put nor after neither no matter how weird it sounds.

11. Divorces will exceed marriages for the 17th time in 17 consecutive years.

12. So-called marital experts will scratch their heads while wondering why.

13. More couples than not will mistake lust for love.

14. More couples than not will spend more time making wedding plans than planning for the marriage that follows.

15. Religion will be the leading cause of war, like it has been since humans first created a supreme being to fit their beliefs.

16. Self-proclaimed followers of a spiritual teacher who told his followers not to participate in public displays of religion will participate in public displays of religion.

17. Self-proclaimed followers of a spiritual teacher who told his followers to go in a closet to pray will complain about prayer not being allowed in public schools.

18. Self-proclaimed followers of a spiritual teacher who said, "They strain a gnat and swallow a camel," still won't get it.

19. While in a Shaman trance, I'll write, "The first Indian to discover Columbus should have been disappointed."

20. I'll also write, "When it comes to methadone clinics, we need to remember that recovering drug addicts aren't bad people trying to get good. They're sick people trying to get well."

21. Alcohol will remain the leading drug of choice.

22. SAT scores will continue to decrease.

23. The replacement in public schools of thinking by computer skills will continue to increase.

24. People who apparently forgot that our nation was founded by the oppressed who were trying to escape religious persecution will continue to torment Harry Potter readers.

25. People who have never read a Harry Potter book will continue to criticize something they know nothing about. 26. A pregnant woman will give birth to a baby in a hospital.

27. An attorney will value the easy money of plea bargains more than the privilege of fighting for the constitutional rights of the unjustly accused.

28. Martha Stewart will be hit in back of the head with a toilet seat while getting a drink.

29. I'll walk to the mailbox without remembering to put on clothes.

30. Sightings will be reported of a bear in my neighborhood.

31. Pinning on a badge and strapping on a gun won't make a person stronger, taller, or smarter.

32. Four years of another Bush giving welfare to the rich will begin.

33. A politician won't give a direct answer to a direct question.

34. When someone calls and asks if I want to change my long-distance provider, I'll reply, "Call here again and I'll hunt you down and make you wish you didn't."

35. I won't make vacant threats.

36. Whiners with an inadequate comprehension of history will call the Confederate flag a racist symbol.

37. Like Hank Jr., I will brag on that Rebel flag.

38. I will stand when Dixie is played.

39. I will consider being called a redneck cracker a compliment.

40. Being born and raised in the South, I will use the manners taught to me.

41. I will renew my membership in the National Rifle Association.

42. I will do my part for gun control by taking careful aim and squeezing the trigger.

43. Friends will welcome me when I attend a homecoming at the Southern Baptist church where my grandfather baptized me.

44. Friends will welcome me when I attend a retreat at the Buddhist monastery where I learned to meditate.

45. The Communist Chinese will continue their plan to destroy the United States from the inside.

46. Expecting the Communist Chinese to honor a human rights agreement will be like expecting a coiled rattlesnake not to bite.

47. My ex-wives will rent a convention center for their annual meeting.

48. While attending their annual meeting, my ex-wives will play pin the tail on Bob.

49. Pinchy will continue burning my toast.

50. I will continue telling her I like it that way.

 

 

Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570
tel 931.823.6485
fax 931.823.6486
ocnews@usit.net

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