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Archives 11-08-2000

North County Lines by Bob

An Award Winning Column

For comments or questions contact Bob at bobncl@hotmail.com

 

 

 

50 Random Thoughts For Your Inspection

1. We choose to be bothered by what annoys us.

2. The Wheel of Karma spins. Who will we be the next time around?

3. Does the dead worm in a bottle of tequila mean you can worm your dog with margaritas?

4. If your dog could talk, would you want it visiting your neighbors?

5. To end the squabbling over nothing worth dying for, why doesn't a land developer turn Israel into a modern-age theme park?

6. Why do archaic beliefs make people kill crazy?

7. When religions and cultures become intertwined, the spiritual message is lost.

8. When religious texts are taken literally, the spiritual truth is lost.

9. Jesus knew only drowning men could see him when he walked upon the water.

10. If the 10 Commandments are put in schools, shouldn't science and math be taught in churches?

11. Since fish like them more than worms, why isn't anyone buying my maggot farms?

12. Since I am writing this before election day, I predict the next President of the United States will have four letters in his last name.

13. Harry Potter rules because J.K. Rowling has created a world where children achieve their goals by being themselves, not by following the crowd.

14. To get away from the muggles in this world, I'm attending the Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry with Harry and his friends next semester.

15. Old trees grow stronger. Old rivers grow wilder every day. Old people just grow lonely, waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello."

16. A love song I wrote, expressing my feelings for Kathie Lee Gifford, begins: “Why do buzzards suddenly appear, every time she is near?”

17. Why are aliens from outer space wasting time scanning Washington, D.C. for intelligent life?

18. Did Sandra Bullock escape from the ugly farm before or after being kicked out of acting school?

19. I don't care what happens to my body after I pass on. I won't be in it.

20. What 13-year-old truant used Legos to create the special effects for Mission to Mars?

21. If evolution isn't true, what are Jerry Springer fans?

22. If Elvis is alive, he's old enough to collect Social Security.

23. If John Lennon wasn't dead, he'd be writing good songs, unlike his trainee.

24. If I am you and you are me and we are all together, why is Paul the Walrus?

25. If Paul gets another face lift, his ankles will be up to his knees.

26. Will Yoko be 136 or 137 on her next birthday?

27. Two days before his death, John Lennon bought bullet-proof vests for the New York City Police Department. If only John had been wearing one.

28. Would you want AC-DC staying in your house?

29. Words are mightier than a sword when used correctly.

30. If the Dale Hollow Lake Monster isn't real, why am I prohibited by a court order from publishing photographs of it in newspapers and magazines?

31. If the Dale Hollow Lake Monster is only a figment of my imagination, why doesn't the Board of Southern Tourism just say so?

32. Could it be that the BST doesn't want to be sued for misleading the public after the Monster eats another houseboat load of tourists?

33. Why aren't mouse traps in sporting goods instead of housewares?

34. I remember thinking, while eating lunch at Denny's with two ex-wives and a wife at the time, am I the only one at this table who's crazy?

35. When I heard Chyna, that half man-woman or whatever wrestling freak, was featured in Playboy, I thought, wouldn't Field and Stream be more appropriate?

36. Why can't American citizens buy guns without being burdened by useless paperwork?

37. Adolph Hitler believed in gun control too. So did Josef Stalin and every other communist and fascist leader in this century.

38. Of course I'm a member of the National Rifle Association. I believe in the Bill of Rights. Thanks, Tom.

39. If the War Between the States was fought to free the slaves, why are so many women in this nation still treated as such?

40. Although he tried, my brother Eric couldn't get kicked out of reform school.

41. Although my brother Ricky has as many ex-wives as I do, we can't remember how many that is.

42. Although my brothers spend as much as eight dollars on a gallon of wine, neither saves not even a sip for the next day.

43. Work doesn't bother my brothers. They can sleep with it going on all around them.

44. Why didn't someone tell me Captain Kangaroo was no longer on TV? No wonder I couldn't find it for 35 years.

45. No, please, I don't want to see Judge Judy shake her groove thing.

46. Although Howard Stern isn't funny, his nose does provide shade for midgets.

47. Why does someone pull directly out in front of you, drive 100 feet, stop, and wait to turn left until nothing is coming for 20 miles from the other direction?

48. Are those flatter-than-a-dime things on buns really hamburgers?

49. Pinchy used to wake me up by vacuuming while I was napping, until I got wise and started taking the vacuum cleaner to bed with me.

50. Great Maker, please remove my thoughts of self so I can see You in all things.

 

Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570
tel 931.823.6485
fax 931.823.6486
ocnews@usit.net

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