County Lines by Bob
With the 21st century less than 90 days away, I need to present
my awards for this century before the next one arrives and distorts
that time-flow thing.
The award for best U.S. president of this century goes to Teddy
Roosevelt for making this country a better place instead of only
talking about it. He plowed straight ahead, doing what was right
instead of popular.
He fought for women's equality and for the well-being of children.
He fought for the poor and the oppressed. He fought for equal rights
before it became an in-thing to do. Good ol' Rough and Ready, he
carried a big stick and knew how to use it.
Where have the great leaders like Teddy Roosevelt gone? That's
a good question.
The award for worst U.S. president of this century goes to Ronald
Reagan for tripling the national debt. Although the fat who got
fatter feeding on welfare for the rich believe it was an accomplishment,
the national debt increasing more during Reagan's 8 years in office
than in the 200 years before he was elected didn't benefit this
The award for funniest U.S. vice-president of this century goes
to Dan Quayle for spelling potato with an e and for referring to
South America as a country in Europe.
His dazed and confused performance while debating Lloyd Bentsen
was hilarious also. It reminded me of a skit by Andy Kaufman. Andy
was acting, however, when he came across as an idiot.
The award for this century's best comedian who wanted to get laughs
goes to Jack Benny.
"Your money or your life. What'll it be, Jack?"
"Don't rush me. I'm thinking." The award for best actor
of this century goes to Humphrey Bogart. From hero to lawyer to
back-shooting desperado, whoops, I didn't mean to repeat myself,
Bogey could play any character and did.
The award for worst actor of this century goes to Antonio Banderas.
I could have given it to Christopher Lambert or Adam Sadler. But
since I'm giving the award for worst actress of this century to
Melanie Griffith, I figured the two could enjoy their awards together.
The award for best actress of this century goes to Katharine Hepburn.
Say no more. Say no more. Just for the heck of it, I'm giving Meg
Ryan an award for her performance in everything except those awful
messes with Tom Hanks. You've Got Mail. I don't care.
I'm not giving Julia Roberts anything except advice: "The
reason Runaway Bride was a disaster, besides a script that was obviously
written by a group of pill-popping spinsters, is because you're
closer to 50 than 30. The time for you to play blushing schoolgirls
has long passed."
This century's award for having no talent and getting paid a lot
goes to Madonna. If Evita wasn't a comedy, I don't know how else
to describe it. I kept expecting to see the Three Stooges run out
and start working on Evita's bathtub. Unfortunately they didn't.
The award for best rock and roll band of this century goes to John
Lennon's group the Beatles. Nuff said. Nuff said.
The award for most overrated rock and roll band of this century
goes to the Who. Tommy. Please don't torture me with that again.
The award for best American rock and roll band of this century
goes to Lynyrd Skynyrd. You want to know how good Skynyrd was?
When the Stones followed Skynyrd at a concert in England, the crowd
yelled for Skynyrd until the Stones left the stage and Skynyrd returned.
That's how good Skynyrd was.
The award for coolest dude of this century goes to Keith Richards
of the Rolling Stones. If it weren't for Keith and Brian Jones,
Mick Jagger would still be an accountant.
I'm giving Elvis an award for being Elvis to keep those people
off my back.
The award for humanitarian of this century goes to Jonas Salk for
developing the polio vaccine.
The award for spiritual leader of this century goes to Mahatma
The award for best decade of this century goes to the sixties.
We almost changed the world into a better place by making love instead
of war. But then the suits got involved for profit and ruined everything.
The award for most underrated drink of this century goes to water,
good ol' H2O, not the bottled kind. Water from France ladened with
who knows how many French germs, only morons would drink that.
The award for best boxer of this century goes to Rocky Marciano,
the only World Heavyweight Champion to retire undefeated. Sportswriters
who favor Ali or Louis overlook that and Marciano's 49 wins.
The award for best professional wrestler of this century goes to
Dusty Rhodes. Dusty and I lived in the same neighborhood during
the beginning of his wrestling career. I made better barbecued chicken.
But he could match me beer for beer, which was no small thing back
Dusty didn't get those scars on his head from playing tiddly-winks.
Wrestlers back then were tough, unlike the prima donna crybabies
of today who jump and flip around like a girls gymnastic team.
If the Rock or Steve Austin or any other professional wrestler
had the courage to face Dusty in the squared circle, which they
don't, Dusty would win, 1, 2, 3, without breaking a sweat.
The award for best tongue twister of this century goes to "A
thick slippery snake," Thelma snickered.
That's it for this century. Who'll receive my awards at the end
of the next one? You'll have to wait and see.
Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570