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Archives 08-31-2000

North County Lines by Bob

An Award Winning Column

For comments or questions contact Bob at bobncl@hotmail.com

 

 

Once upon a time, a daddy bird, a mama bird, and a teenage bird lived in a nest in the suburbs.

One Saturday, while Daddy Bird was trying to relax, Mama Bird yelled, "Why don't you get off your lazy butt and do something besides drink beer and watch wrestling!"

Flipping off the TV, Daddy Bird said, "Good idea, I'll go to a bar and watch kickboxing instead."

"You better not get another DUI!" Mama Bird yelled. "I'll leave you in jail this time!"

While eating supper one evening, Daddy Bird said to Mama Bird, "Where's Junior Bird? He needs to be home in case his probation officer stops by to check on him."

"Don't worry," Mama Bird said. "Junior Bird's at the library studying."

Daddy Bird knew better. Junior Bird was eighteen and still in the seventh grade. He wasn't at the library. He was out with his bird friends, drinking beer and getting high on illegal substances.

Daddy Bird was right. Junior Bird's next drug screen tested positive for cocaine and marijuana.

When the judge bird sentenced Junior Bird to a year in the state bird pen for violating probation, Mama Bird was upset. She didn't want Junior Bird to be a jail bird.

Daddy Bird said, "Maybe it'll do him some good, teach him a lesson."

Daddy Bird was right. The older convict birds taught Junior Bird where to look for hidden valuables when burglarizing homes and how to make a $5.00 money order look like a $500 money order. Junior Bird also received lessons in what cars were easiest to steal and how to cash stolen Social Security checks.

Worried that her bird friends would think she was a bad bird because her son was doing time, Mama Bird started attending church so her bird friends would think she was a good bird.

Mama Bird pestered Daddy Bird until he started going too. But something about the way the preacher bird droned on and on always put Daddy Bird to sleep.

One Sunday, while Daddy Bird was sound asleep in the front pew, the preacher bird yelled, "Everyone who likes sin, stand up! Daddy Bird jumped to his feet.

"So," the preacher bird said, "you like sin, do you?"

"I'm sorry," Daddy Bird said. "I thought you said gin."

As a drive-through teller at a bird bank, Mama Bird dealt with many different types of bird customers. One day a lawyer bird drove up to her bullet-proof window in a shiny, new, German birdmobile and cashed a check from a blind and crippled homeless widow he had sued. The lawyer bird asked Mama Bird to meet him after work for a drink.

"I'm married," Mama Bird said.

"So what?" the lawyer bird said. "We'll have a drink and talk. What harm could that do?"

"Okay," Mama Bird said. "But just one drink. Then I have to go home."

Before long Mama Bird and the lawyer bird were checking into a bird motel under assumed names on a regular basis. Mama Bird knew if Daddy Bird caught them he'd break the lawyer bird in half. She had to do something before Daddy Bird got wise.

One day she asked Daddy Bird to move out. When Daddy Bird asked why, Mama Bird said, "I don't love you anymore."

Daddy Bird asked if there was someone else. Mama Bird said, "Now you're accusing me of being a tramp. What kind of bird do you think I am?"

Removing the things he treasured most from his and Mama Bird's nest, Daddy Bird loaded his beer and the television set into the trunk of his birdmobile with dented fenders and bald tires and drove to the nest where his girlfriend bird lived.

After Daddy Bird explained what had happened, his girlfriend bird said, "Now we can get married as soon as you're divorced."

Daddy Bird knew he'd never marry a side dish. He also knew he better keep his big beak shut if he wanted to avoid the hassle of finding a nest of his own.

Even though he didn't like the smell of his girlfriend's breath first thing in the morning, an aroma that reminded him of dirty socks, Daddy Bird liked living in her nest in the middle of town. He could walk to a bar. He didn't have to worry about another DUI.

Daddy Bird soon discovered the Parrot Lounge, two drinks for the price of one, from opening time to closing time. With a good bar so close, Daddy Bird started drinking instead of going to work.

When the Parrot Lounge opened at seven in the morning, Daddy Bird was there. A couple stiff belts and his shakes and nasty hangover were gone. Daddy Bird would drink until he was completely smashed. Then he'd drink a few more and a few more. Then he'd drink a few more and a couple more after that.

A bartender bird once asked Daddy Bird why he drank so much. Daddy Bird said, "I drink to forget."

"To forget what?" the bartender bird asked.

"I can't remember," Daddy Bird replied.

Not long after Daddy Bird's divorce, his girlfriend bird said, "If you loved me, you'd marry me."

"Marriage is for the birds," Daddy Bird said.

"But we are birds," his girlfriend bird replied.

What nag, Daddy Bird thought, just like Mama Bird. Maybe I'll move to Los Angeles where all the cuckoo birds live.

One night after leaving the Parrot Lounge, Daddy Bird stepped in front of a Greyhound bird bus.

At the morgue a police bird searching through Daddy Bird's clothes for identification found a postcard addressed to Junior Bird. On the back of the card Daddy Bird had written:

Dear Son,

I'm sorry I haven't been a good father. Please forgive me. When you search for happiness in the wrong places, you often get lost. I'm going to stop drinking soon. Love, Daddy Bird

 

 

 

Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570
tel 931.823.6485
fax 931.823.6486
ocnews@usit.net

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