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80 Years Ago

Archives 08-16-2000

North County Lines by Bob

An Award Winning Column

For comments or questions contact Bob at bobncl@hotmail.com




I've spent 14 to 16 hours a day for the last week hanging out in internet chat rooms. I guarantee you visiting those rooms isn't addictive.

I haven't been in one for three hours. I quit cold turkey and I'm doing fine. The shaking and the sweating should stop soon. A straight jacket shouldn't be required. I don't like being in those things, especially when my nose itches.

Although my chat room profile describes me as Bob, 6 foot 3, 250lbs, not completely bald with beard, that didn't prevent someone called Studley from questioning my gender in a chat room conversation:

Me: To any recent arrivals I might have missed, welcome.

Studley: U female?

Me: What do u mean?

Studley: U a girl?

Me: As opposed to a woman?

Studley: Either.

Me: Either what?

Studley: A woman or a girl.

Me: What was the question again? I forgot.

Studley left the room after calling me a something something stupid something idiot. I smiled. Another miscreant gone and I hadn't used an unkind word.

The others in the chat room applauded my success at getting rid of Studley. Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

I'm not sure why. But during one of my excursions into a chat room, someone called Panama Peg questioned my sanity:

Me: Looking for woman. Must be at least 8-foot tall, have tattoos and Harley. Bone in nose a plus.

Panama Peg: Did u say 8 foot?

Me: No. I said at least 8 foot. 9 would be better.

Panama Peg: How tall r u?

Me: 3 foot 6.

Panama Peg: Your profile says 6 foot 3.

Me: I'm a dyslexic midget.

Panama Peg: You're crazy.

Me: What do u mean crazy?

Panama Peg: You're not normal.

Me: Normal is highly overrated by those who only think they're normal.

Panama Peg: Don't understand what u mean.

Me: Normal varies from group to group. Normal describes nothing specifically. Normal is only a word used by those who want others to behave like they do so they don't feel out of place.

Panama Peg: Still don't get it.

Me: Is it normal to live, work, and die, and never wonder why?

Panama Peg: U philosopher?

Me: Nope, just flying by. ‘Scuse me while I kiss the sky.

Panama Peg: Have to go. Hope u find what you're looking for.

Me: Thanks. I will. Bye.

I have met a few of my peers in chat rooms, like J Zoned, who slung it right back at me.

Me: Am I here?

J Zoned: No. You're there.

Me: U sure? I thought I was here.

J Zoned: You're wrong. I'm here. Two objects can't occupy the same space.

Me: Two objects can't occupy exactly the same space. They can occupy a shared space.

J Zoned: I'm here. You're somewhere else. If you don't want to call that place there, that's your choice. But you're not here. I am.

Me: Maybe you're there and I'm here.

J Zoned: Everybody's got to be somewhere. Might as well be where you are since you're not someplace else.

Me: U didn't use u r instead of you are in that last sentence.

J Zoned: Who cares? That was there. That was then. This is now. This is here.

Me: Then I'm here now.

J Zoned: Now I'm here.

Me: Now I'm here.

J Zoned and I could have gone on like that forever if Peace Child hadn't stepped in and stopped it.

Peace Child: How about a sing along? That here there thing is bumming me out.

J Zoned: Start. I'll follow.

Me: I'll come in after that from here.

Peace Child: Let me take you down.

J Zoned: ‘Cause I'm going to.

Me: Strawberry Fields.

Peace Child: Nothing is real.

J Zoned: Nothing to get hung about.

Me: Strawberry Fields.

Peace Child: Forever.

J Zoned: And ever.

Me: And ever.

I was in one chat room, watching the conversations to get a feel for the place, when someone called Cool Hand checked in:

Cool Hand: Anyone interested in some action?

Miz Liz: I'm here.

Cool Hand: I just got out of a chat room with nothing but men looking for men. That kind of thing makes me sick. It's pathetic. I'm glad I finally found a woman.

Miz Liz: Who said I was a woman? I was in one chat room trying to type hello to everyone who came in, when someone called Mona 364 started in on me:

Mona 364: U shouldn't be trying to talk to everyone. That's stupid.

Me: You're right. I should behave in a manner that satisfies your expectations. My greatest desire in life should be confirming your belief that you're in control of the universe.

Mona 364 stopped hassling me after that and started bothering someone called Tex 419, who didn't mind Mona's guff.

Tex and Mona's relationship developed so quickly they were soon having cyber sex in the chat room until someone said, "Go somewhere private to do that kind of stuff."

For the most part, the time I spent in chat rooms was interesting and entertaining. But I've stopped visiting those places except for just one last time.

If you don't hear from me in a week or two, call Chat Rooms Anonymous. They'll come and try to get me out. Tell them to look for a Bob with a big mouth who types with one finger.



Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570
tel 931.823.6485
fax 931.823.6486

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