County Lines by Bob
What's Debbie's Dishes, another cooking column by a woman, doing
in the Overton County News? Why do you only see recipes by women
in newspapers when all the great chefs, including me, are men?
I could yell "Sexual Discrimination!" and be completely
justified. But what good would that do? Men have been discriminated
against for thousands of centuries. That's unlikely to ever change.
All I can do is take my lumps like a man and start my own cooking
column with a recipe I've spent most of my life developing. Although
I don't like sharing cooking secrets gained through years of hard
work and dangerous experimentation, a man must do what a man must
Please remember, following the steps of my instructions in order
will result in a flavorful delight. Do it any other way and all
you'll get is a big mess.
I call my recipe Fried Eggs.
Step 1: Decide what type eggs to use. Eggs come from reptiles,
fish, birds, and mammals, specifically platypuses.
I don't recommend platypus eggs. Eating unhatched members of our
own species, while not illegal, is a form of cannibalism.
Reptile eggs are okay but small, which is difficult to understand
when you consider the size of full-grown alligators and crocodiles
that originated within eggs of this type.
Reluctance to use eggs from an alligator or a crocodile is understandable.
Both are protective of their nests. Either can outrun a horse for
the first hundred yards on land.
While working as an engineer on a bridge crew in South America,
I observed a family of monkeys drinking water from a river. When
they spotted a crocodile heading their way, they darted for the
trees. I yelled, "Run, monkeys, run!"
I can still hear the screams echoing through the forest of the
one that didn't get away. I can still see the crocodile swallowing
its catch in one gulp.
I shot the crocodile with a burst from an M-16 I purchased in
Ecuador from an arms dealer who trafficked in black-market merchandise.
To protect myself from any savage beast I might encounter, both
animal and human, I kept my weapon on rapid-fire.
I squeezed the trigger again and sent another round of bullets
ripping through the croc.
"You mucho loco gringo, Roberto."
I liked the sound of all those O's, so I didn't shoot my Ecuadorian
sidekick in both knees for calling me crazy.
After cutting off the croc's tail and skinning it, I roasted it
over a fire and washed my meal down with a case of cerveza. Better
than beer made in the United States by far and less than a dime
Even though I'm glad I did what I did, don't be spreading the story
around. Killing crocodiles is illegal. Why? I don't know. But I'd
do it again if I saw another one eat a far distant cousin, no matter
how hairy it might be.
Fish eggs, also known as caviar after being processed and placed
in cans or jars, aren't suitable for my recipe. Caviar isn't bad
if you don't mind drinking buckets of water after eating it. Those
with a weak bladder, however, would do better to stay away from
From falcons to flamingoes, from pelicans to penguins, bird eggs
come in a wide variety of choices. But you need to remember: Not
all birds fly. All that fly are not birds.
Bats fly. Some fish fly. Some squirrels fly. Some lizards even
fly on the Galapagos Islands, off the coast of Ecuador.
The first time I saw one of these lizards land on someone's head,
I thought: That's a strange looking hat. I wonder where it came
from. Then I realized what was happening.
The Ecuadorian guide whose head the creature was digging into yelled,
"Help! Help! Volante logarto! Volante logarto!" I knew
what help meant. But the other two words were beyond my comprehension
of Spanish at the time.
I pulled out my English-Spanish dictionary and found volante, flying.
Whatever was attached to the guide's head had arrived by air.
Then I thumbed through the L's. "Did you say ‘langosta'?"
I asked, "Because that means lobster and that doesn't look
like any lobster I've ever seen."
"No langosta!” the guide yelled. "Logarto!"
I found logarto. "Now I understand," I said. "That
thing you want me to get off your head is a flying lizard!"
"Si! Si!” the guide yelled. "Rapido! Rapido!”
"And you want me to do it quickly," I said.
"Si! Si!” the guide yelled. I yanked the lizard off the guide's
head, skinned it, and roasted it over a fire. The taste was similar
to chicken, which is the type of eggs most people use for cooking.
Step 2: After thinking about the exit point, no matter what type
you've chosen, scrub eggs thoroughly with soap and toothbrush.
Step 3: Cover inside bottom of heated cast iron frying pan with
virgin olive oil. If uncertain of virginity, ask manager of grocery
store before purchasing olive oil.
Step 4: Crack eggs open and pour contents into hot virgin olive
Step 5: Cook until done.
Now that I've given you my first recipe, I plan to follow with
one I call French Toast next week if I'm back from France with the
ingredients in time.
Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570