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80 Years Ago

Archives 06-28-2000

North County Lines by Bob

An Award Winning Column

For comments or questions contact Bob at bobncl@hotmail.com



What's Debbie's Dishes, another cooking column by a woman, doing in the Overton County News? Why do you only see recipes by women in newspapers when all the great chefs, including me, are men?

I could yell "Sexual Discrimination!" and be completely justified. But what good would that do? Men have been discriminated against for thousands of centuries. That's unlikely to ever change.

All I can do is take my lumps like a man and start my own cooking column with a recipe I've spent most of my life developing. Although I don't like sharing cooking secrets gained through years of hard work and dangerous experimentation, a man must do what a man must do.

Please remember, following the steps of my instructions in order will result in a flavorful delight. Do it any other way and all you'll get is a big mess.

I call my recipe Fried Eggs.

Step 1: Decide what type eggs to use. Eggs come from reptiles, fish, birds, and mammals, specifically platypuses.

I don't recommend platypus eggs. Eating unhatched members of our own species, while not illegal, is a form of cannibalism.

Reptile eggs are okay but small, which is difficult to understand when you consider the size of full-grown alligators and crocodiles that originated within eggs of this type.

Reluctance to use eggs from an alligator or a crocodile is understandable. Both are protective of their nests. Either can outrun a horse for the first hundred yards on land.

While working as an engineer on a bridge crew in South America, I observed a family of monkeys drinking water from a river. When they spotted a crocodile heading their way, they darted for the trees. I yelled, "Run, monkeys, run!"

I can still hear the screams echoing through the forest of the one that didn't get away. I can still see the crocodile swallowing its catch in one gulp.

I shot the crocodile with a burst from an M-16 I purchased in Ecuador from an arms dealer who trafficked in black-market merchandise. To protect myself from any savage beast I might encounter, both animal and human, I kept my weapon on rapid-fire.

I squeezed the trigger again and sent another round of bullets ripping through the croc.

"You mucho loco gringo, Roberto."

I liked the sound of all those O's, so I didn't shoot my Ecuadorian sidekick in both knees for calling me crazy.

After cutting off the croc's tail and skinning it, I roasted it over a fire and washed my meal down with a case of cerveza. Better than beer made in the United States by far and less than a dime a bottle.

Even though I'm glad I did what I did, don't be spreading the story around. Killing crocodiles is illegal. Why? I don't know. But I'd do it again if I saw another one eat a far distant cousin, no matter how hairy it might be.

Fish eggs, also known as caviar after being processed and placed in cans or jars, aren't suitable for my recipe. Caviar isn't bad if you don't mind drinking buckets of water after eating it. Those with a weak bladder, however, would do better to stay away from such things.

From falcons to flamingoes, from pelicans to penguins, bird eggs come in a wide variety of choices. But you need to remember: Not all birds fly. All that fly are not birds.

Bats fly. Some fish fly. Some squirrels fly. Some lizards even fly on the Galapagos Islands, off the coast of Ecuador.

The first time I saw one of these lizards land on someone's head, I thought: That's a strange looking hat. I wonder where it came from. Then I realized what was happening.

The Ecuadorian guide whose head the creature was digging into yelled, "Help! Help! Volante logarto! Volante logarto!" I knew what help meant. But the other two words were beyond my comprehension of Spanish at the time.

I pulled out my English-Spanish dictionary and found volante, flying. Whatever was attached to the guide's head had arrived by air.

Then I thumbed through the L's. "Did you say ‘langosta'?" I asked, "Because that means lobster and that doesn't look like any lobster I've ever seen."

"No langosta!” the guide yelled. "Logarto!"

I found logarto. "Now I understand," I said. "That thing you want me to get off your head is a flying lizard!"

"Si! Si!” the guide yelled. "Rapido! Rapido!”

"And you want me to do it quickly," I said.

"Si! Si!” the guide yelled. I yanked the lizard off the guide's head, skinned it, and roasted it over a fire. The taste was similar to chicken, which is the type of eggs most people use for cooking.

Step 2: After thinking about the exit point, no matter what type you've chosen, scrub eggs thoroughly with soap and toothbrush.

Step 3: Cover inside bottom of heated cast iron frying pan with virgin olive oil. If uncertain of virginity, ask manager of grocery store before purchasing olive oil.

Step 4: Crack eggs open and pour contents into hot virgin olive oil.

Step 5: Cook until done.

Now that I've given you my first recipe, I plan to follow with one I call French Toast next week if I'm back from France with the ingredients in time.



Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570
tel 931.823.6485
fax 931.823.6486

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