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Archives 05-24-2000

North County Lines by Bob

An Award Winning Column

For comments or questions contact Bob at bobncl@hotmail.com

 

A Quick Dictionary

Artificial - Fake. Not real. Type of smile exhibited to your face by people who stab you in the back. Type of extremities used to replace ones frequently blown off during war. Many Vietnam veterans were fitted with artificial limbs of an incorrect size by military quacks.

Booger - Nickname I gave my little brother Eric because of where his right forefinger usually was. Accumulation of gooey matter in a nasal passage. Reminds me of a saying by a wise man: "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friend's nose."

Clap - Sound of hands quickly coming together repeatedly. Can't get into slang word for social disease without risking accusations of being offensive, so I won't mention that one.

Dogma - Similar to karma, but barks instead of honks.

Evil - Live spelled backward. A coincidence? I think not.

Formaldehyde - A chemical compound used as a preservative. Mixed with alcohol and drank by Bela Lagosi, the best Dracula ever, on a routine basis. After Bela died while eating supper, his body remained in a sitting position for six months without decaying before anyone noticed he was dead. The undertaker tried to remove Bela's stupefied expression, but it was permanently affixed.

Grass - Slang word for marijuana. Also referred to as pot, dope, skunk, weed, maryjane, hemp, cannabis sativa, little Elroy, reefer, and other street lingo. Although potheads claim smoking grass doesn't make them dumb, the question asked most by marijuana users is "Huh?"

Honkie - Also known as a redneck, or a cracker in Florida and Georgia. Thought by many to be a derogatory word. But when I'm called a honkie or a redneck or a cracker or a redneck honkie cracker, I consider it a compliment.

Iggy Pop - No longer a Stooge, but still plays it wild with in-your-face lyrics, like rock and roll is supposed to be.

Jungle - Place inhabited by savage beasts. Describes forest areas as well as cities.

K-Mart - A store where I might be able to find shirts with extra long sleeves and 22 inch collars. But I avoid all places and things advertised by Wynnona Judd.

Lime - Sour fruit with green skin. The next time I hear "Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up,” I might go postal and smash wherever the song is coming from to pieces. I've done it before. It could happen again.

March - Third month in year or what military recruits do before sunrise for 20 miles with 60 pounds strapped to their backs. As a wise man once said about the requirements of military life, "Please, General Custer, I don't wanna go."

No - On spelled backward. A coincidence? Maybe.

Orb - Bro spelled backward. A coincidence? I don't know. Dewain of But Anyway fame pointed this one out to me. Ask him.

Peter Pan - Boy who flies around and fights pirates. The first time I tried to fly, I made it from the roof to the ground. All of my attempts to fly after that ended the same way. But I haven't given up. Who knows? Maybe the next time I'll be able to flap my arms fast enough to lift off and keep going. Watch out Moon. Move over Mars. I'm going out beyond the stars.

Qwazinplinker - Russian word meaning nose clog. As in "Don't flip that qwazinplinker on me." See Booger.

Roach - Insect that was around long before dinosaurs arrived, that will be around long after the human race has wiped itself off this planet. When I was little, a roach crawled into the next door neighbor's ear and ate her brain. She was never the same after that. She howled at the moon, voted Republican, chased cars, and invited Jehovah Witnesses into her house. Two men from the humane society carried her off after she bit the mailman. She was never seen again.

Suburban Blues - Poem written by me when I was fed up with being a white-collar slave. I don't remember it all but some of it went "One point five for overtime. Bottom line. Bank owns my cars, my place. Rat in a rat's race. Nothing to win. Chains to lose. I've paid my dues for the suburban blues."

Tongue - Reminds me of the woman who asked her husband if he wanted a tongue sandwich. "I don't want anything," the husband said, "that comes from a cow's mouth. Fix me some eggs instead."

Uppsala - City in Sweden where many of my cousins on my father's side were born. Children in Sweden start learning to speak English when they're five. When my cousin Gustavus visited me during the sixties, he asked if he was speaking English correctly. "Like wow, man," I said, "you're in the U S of A. Speak it like you want. You dig what I'm laying down, man?"

Vomit - Strangled Jimi Hendrix to death after he swallowed too many ‘ludes and passed out on his back.

White - Race of people whose true color is closer to pink.

Xanthippe - Wife of Socrates, nagged him relentlessly, which explains why he preferred working late at the office instead of coming home.

Yipes! - What my brother Ricky yelled when I slammed his nose in a car door.

Zero - Chance that I'll join ranks of Hitlerites who support stricter gun control laws.


 

Overton County News
415 West Main Street
P.O. Box 479
Livingston, Tennessee 38570
tel 931.823.6485
fax 931.823.6486
ocnews@usit.net

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